The Mayo Clinic describes erectile dysfunction as “the inability to obtain an adequate erection for satisfactory sexual activity.” The cause may be physical or psychological. These men cannot achieve an erection without medical treatment. There are many online sources available for couples seeking help with erectile dysfunction, including the Mayo Clinic, The National Institutes for Health, and the American Medical Association. Men and their partners may also find erectile dysfunction support groups on the web or in their communities.

We needed to shift focus from his penis to the entire act of sex itself. During one conversation about our sex life, Bill began to detail some of the things we’d done when we made love. To our amazement, we brought each other to orgasm without him having an erection. It was a light-bulb moment.

Since Bill no longer could no longer get it up, we had to learn to look at sexual stimulation beyond penetration. There’s no question that a penis can be very satisfying. The length and breadth of a hard dick can stimulate areas that are out of finger reach, but you really can do quite a lot with your fingers and tongue. Simple erotic touching to create extended foreplay can drive your partner wild.

Sometimes people take their bodies for granted. One way for couples to reacquaint themselves with their own bodies and the bodies of their lovers is to give each other a massage. Scented oils, such as peppermint, orange and grapefruit are invigorating and enhance physical pleasure. Give each other oral sex. Scratch one another’s backs and heads. Masturbate each other. Take things gradually. Don’t rush. There are countless possibilities for great sex without intercourse.

Instead of using a meat dildo, how about trying an interactive dildo (or two)? With a dildo in hand and you between your partner’s legs, you have complete control and have full “situational awareness” of what you are doing. If you like, you can introduce an anal sex toy to the party, to bring a little extra oomph to your sex play.

When lovers are already communicating well, good sex follows. Some men and women focus too much on the goal—the orgasm. They don’t take time to enjoy one another’s bodies as they make love. Learn to enjoy giving pleasure to your lover. One of life’s biggest turn-ons is seeing your lover aroused. As you explore your lover’s body to learn new ways to arouse him or her, you too will become aroused.

Be very aware of the here and now. Don’t allow your mind to become distracted by job woes, car problems, the phone ringing, the cats hissing at each other, or other stressors. Banish such erotic-killing thoughts from your mind, and focus on your own body’s sensations as well as your lover’s.

Sometimes you have to plan for sex. Pack up the kids with the grandparents for the evening. Rent a room at a fancy hotel—preferably one with a spa—and spend a sexy evening or (better yet) weekend away from home. Buy some sex toys and plan an evening at home with your fun, new gadgets. My husband and I love foot massages, and we use massage candles and massage oils to tend to each other’s feet while watching endless reruns of Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares and Law & Order.

There are numerous possibilities for couples to have great sex that far outnumber mere penetration. While Bill and I no longer engage in conventional intercourse, we enjoy each other very much. I’ve learned to use clitoral vibrators to achieve orgasm without penetration, but when I do want something inside me, we use some of my favorite toys, such as a rabbit or thrusting vibrator. The trick is to simply enjoy what you have together. Once you get used to the idea of sensuality as a normal and enjoyable part of everyday life, you will find that you appreciate sensations that are not necessarily connected to the sex act—and as a result, your sex life will be greatly improved.