The worst breakup lines ever

(The Frisky) — Nowhere is the difference between men and women so glaring as when it comes down to the demise of a relationship. Specifically, the unexpected, unwanted, one-sided break-up otherwise known as the dumping.

When you’ve been dumped like yesterday’s trash, why do some guys deliver one more parting shot.

A dumped dude might get angry. Then again, he might just get depressed and mope quietly in his room. He may go to a strip club or pick up a one-night-stand at a bar.

What he won’t do is call up all his buddies and poll them about what they think his ex really meant when she quit returning his calls.

Nor will he tearfully declare that said ex must have been either too intimidated by his devastating intellect and/or simply too in love with him.

Now granted, maybe men don’t wonder so much because we ladies are more up-front when it comes to breaking hearts. After all, when was the last time you heard of a chick acting like a jerk so he’d break up with her? (See No.3 below.)

The fact is, though they somehow got the reputation as the stronger sex, men tend to be giant wusses when it comes down to ending relationships. So many seem to think pulling a disappearing act is an appropriate breakup protocol.

I understand that a crying and/or screaming girlfriend can be a scary thing, but when you think your relationship is going great and the guy just stops returning your phone calls and texts, it’s confusing and depressing. Oh, and highly annoying.

I was all harrumph-y about the injustice of the disappearing act until I began surveying women about the most painful breakup lines they’d had the bad luck to receive.

1) "You’re amazing, but I’m just not ready to be in a relationship right now."

This actually wouldn’t have been so bad had he not moved in with his new girlfriend two months later. The Frisky: 4 reasons you’ll never get dumped

2) "We can’t move in together because my mom won’t approve."

Though this is highly lame, I believe this lady dodged a bullet. God only knows what else mommy wouldn’t approve of.

3) "Yes, I am going to continue acting this way until you break up with me."

This gets props only because the guy was brave (or stupid) enough to cop to his behavior. The Frisky: How not to react when you get dumped

4) "I’ve never been a lady magnet and now it’s being thrown in my face constantly. I figure I’ve got about of year of this luck so I’d better enjoy it."

Again, brave or stupid — thin line.

5) "I said ‘I love you’ too soon so now we’re tainted because I can’t move that fast."

Word from the wise: dude, nobody believes it when you say you "I love you" for the first time during sex. Relax. The Frisky: Don’t say I love you too soon

6) "I’m going to grad school and they might send me to Antarctica."

I guess if you’re going to lie, lie big, but still.

7) "I’m getting married"/ "I’m seeing someone else."

This one I heard from many different ladies and many different times I wished I could reach back in time to deliver a hard slap on these women’s behalf.

"If you boil fish in a coffee pot, every coffee you make afterwards will always taste like fish."

Translation: I have taken more psychedelic drugs than Timothy Leary, the Grateful Dead and Syd Barrett combined. The Frisky: How to translate 8 dating lines

9) "I need to be with someone more attractive."

Here’s a brilliant idea — if you’re not attracted to her, don’t do her any favors by dating her in the first place! Oh, and you’re a jerk! (Sorry — this story is making me mad!)

On second thought — perhaps the disappearing act isn’t so bad.

Why men cheat — his version

(The Frisky) — So, let’s talk infidelity. Many ladies want to know why it is men cheat.

Men cheat for variety of reason and biology is one of them, writer says.

 And here’s what you want to hear, straight from the talk-hole of the testosterone enabled: men cheat because we are faithless, miserable dogs.

We are backstabbing, silver tongued two-faces who stalk any smooth pair of getaway sticks in a short black cocktail dress that happens to saunter into our lusty field of vision.

Men are horny wolves in fluffy sheep’s clothing who delight in looking into your eyes and lying. Breaking hearts is our middle name. Why, at any given moment, while you’re gabbing to your girlfriends about flowers purchased, omelettes made, sweet words whispered, we’re picturing the nearest woman under the age of 25 in a sheer bikini, riding a mechanical bull.

We are just hopelessly addicted to that "new car smell." We love to make you miserable in our pursuit of total hotness, your fickle happiness not our concern.

And that’s just part of it. If you want to blame someone for our cheating ways, blame evolution! We are hardwired to hunt, and to share our wicked cool genetic code with a world that demands that we do! The universe conspires to compel us to pursue that which retreats.

See, we cheat because we’re cavemen, and our half-gorilla brains demand we spread as much of our seed over as much fertile ground as possible to make sure that our little caveboys have the chance to grow up and do likewise. And we do this quickly, mind you, because you never know when a woolly mammoth will shish kabob us on one of their mighty tusks. It’s not our fault. It’s biology, genetics, science! How can you question science? Without it, the curling iron would never have been invented!

Here’s another reason men run around behind the backs of their doting, self-sacrificing, noble girlfriends and wives — you don’t adore us enough.

When Spartan warriors returned home from victorious campaigns, do you think their women greeted them with eye-rolls and shrugs? They were venerated supremely, celebrated for days upon days! Love was made to them, olives were pitted and fed to them, their wives could not get enough of their dangerous tales of adventure and carnage! Tales told over and over and over again.

And, at the end of each of these nights, as the mighty victors, now satiated and spent, drifted off to sleep, their ladyfolk would purr into their ears, "OMG, you are totally awesome." The Frisky: Nine signs he’s a cheater

If you don’t pat us on the back and tell us we’re special, we will find someone who will, and that person, who will pat us on the back and tell us we’re special will be, nineteen years old.

How could I forget this other important reason why men cheat — we’re addicted to sex!

It’s not our fault we drool for hours over porn while you sleep. It’s a diagnosable affliction, and while many of us probably don’t really need to see a shrink to legitimately diagnose it, or to even go to rehab, you have to understand that it’s beyond our control. We can’t help ourselves.

Pity the booty junkie. And don’t take our word for it — actual relationship experts on television confirm that some, if not most, men are hooked on sleeping with as many women as they can. This in no way enables us to justify bad behavior and to escape responsibility for our actions. This is just a true fact, that men can become addicted to getting whatever it is they want without consequence.

Surely, as the more emotionally developed and sensitive gender, you can’t negatively judge someone wrestling with such a malady. That would be cruel. The Frisky: In 21st Century what’s considered cheating?

Get the point?

The truth is that men cheat for the same reason women cheat. And cheat you do.

There isn’t a word for a women whose husband cheats on her. But the English language gives us a word for a man whose wife runs around on him. That word is "cuckold," and there are few names as limp and pitiful sounding as "cuckold." Maybe "smoosh."

Women can be faithless, and for centuries, they’ve done their fair share of tasting forbidden fruit. Literature is full of the sorrow women have caused: Menelaus laid siege to Troy because Helen ran away with another man. Othello smothered his beloved because he believed her to have cheated on him. Even frat boy romantic comedy "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" was all based around that Kristen Bell, from "Veronica Mars," cheating on that funny fat dude. The Frisky: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Plenty of blame to go around; it would be unfair to savage one gender so the other can enjoy the dismal pleasures of pointless victimization. But there is a reason people, men and women, cheat. The Frisky: Should you out a cheater?

And here’s the fable part.

A dog was carrying a bone over a bridge. Looking down at the water under the bridge, the dog saw his reflection, which looked to the dog to be a bigger dog, carrying a bigger bone. Wanting the bigger bone he saw in the water, the dog barked and dropped his bone into the river. Stupid dog loses his bone.

We cheat because we’re tempted to risk what we have for the promise of something that isn’t, probably never was, and definitely won’t last.

So… everyone is capable of cheating. We are our very own villain and that is a true fact. Makes us human, I suppose. The choice.

Ah well. It’s a risk we all have to take, trusting the other person even though they could cheat. But without risk, there is no reward.

Why NOT to settle in relationships

(The Frisky) — When I questioned a friend about why she was marrying a guy whom she found only mildly attractive, didn’t enjoy having sex with and wasn’t in love with, she told me this: "Marriage isn’t about love, it’s about finding the person who gets on your nerves the least."

Settling for someone you don’t hate — but also don’t love — may not work out in the long run, says author.

I recall being both horrified and saddened by her cynicism. But as I pondered it further, I wondered if she might have a point.

I was single at the time. A long-term relationship had gone bust a few years earlier and after a hyper-extended mourning period I’d been dating a seemingly non-stop parade of utterly unsuitable suitors.

Among many others, there was the semi-psychotic Eastern-European sculptor, the much-younger scientist-type, the guy who still lived with his girlfriend, and the non-committal bike messenger with substance-abuse issues.

So when I met a seemingly normal finance guy who took me out for expensive dinners and drove me around in his BMW, I talked myself into giving it a go. He wasn’t super hot, but then again, neither was I. So what if his favorite book was "The Fountainhead"; I needed to quit being such a book snob. Who cares if he brought up pre-nuptial agreements on our second date — at least the word marriage was part of his vocabulary. The Frisky: What’s your dating type?

But as I lay awake after we’d clumsily consummated our budding relationship, I couldn’t stifle the all-consuming feeling of dread that washed over me. What had I done? Was I really that lonely? Or worse, desperate?

Last year The Atlantic ran an essay by writer Lori Gottlieb, wherein she claimed, "every woman I know — no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure — feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried." Her advice to women still holding out for a great guy: settle for an okay dude. The Frisky: To settle or not to settle?

Thirty-three-year-old Alicia, a New York-based floral designer, had been with her boyfriend Fred for four fairly miserable years when she met someone else. "He was tall, hot, British and made me realize I wasn’t dead inside."

Though nothing ever happened with the Brit, meeting him made her something was missing in her relationship.

"He hates change so I knew he would never leave me," she told me. "But meeting the other guy made me realize that I wanted to be able to talk to my significant other. I wanted to be with someone who at least acts like he’s interested in my life and thinks I’m smart and cool." The Frisky: How to know when it’s time to dump him —

Thus enlightened, Alicia promptly dumped Fred. However not everyone thinks she did the right thing. "I went to my gynecologist and she asked if Fred was still in the picture. When I told her no, she scolded me saying, ‘No man is ever going to meet all your needs — can you tolerate him?’"

A year later, Alicia remains single and dating, and despite what Gottlieb claimed in her piece, absolutely does not appear to be either "in denial" or "lying" when she says she’s never been happier. The Frisky: Why I’m not envious of my engaged friends —

As I slid out of my great-on-paper guy’s bed and tiptoed out the door (shady, I know!), my dread was replaced by relief. Back in my apartment with only my cat for company, I realized that I’d become rather accustomed to being alone and while I wasn’t ecstatic 24/7, I was actually pretty happy. I loved my friends and family (and my kitty!) and I knew I’d be okay if my life stayed the way it was.

Of course then six months later I screwed it all up by meeting a great guy who I love to pieces. Oh, and my friend who married the guy who didn’t get on her nerves — she’s now divorced.

Settle? I don’t think so.

When Sex Leaves the Marriage

Is your relationship still filled with sparks? (Lauren Fleischman for The New York Times)

Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.

I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation.

Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?

I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.

Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.

Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.

In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.