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Remaining friends with an Ex? Good idea or Bad idea?

Filed under: Relationships

April 29, 2009

Should you remain friends with an ex?

By Wendy Atterberry
(The Frisky) — To cut or not to cut an ex from your life after a breakup, that is the question.

Sometimes you need to cut ties with an ex so that you can move on in your life.

Sometimes you need to cut ties with an ex so that you can move on in your life.

Just last week, a dear friend of mine had her divorce finalized after a long, drawn-out three year separation. Upon hearing that her now ex-husband wants to cut off all communication with her for the foreseeable future, she's distraught.

Over the course of their separation, they'd managed to remain quite friendly, keeping in touch with phone calls and texts, and even meeting up for occasional dinners out and seeing bands together they both loved.

But now that the divorce is finalized, her ex says he needs time to process the ending of their marriage and to really close that chapter and move on. She's devastated that she won't have him in her life the way she has in the last few years and thinks he's being unreasonable and even a little mean.

I, on the other hand, think he's doing what's best for them both and that a little space will give them the kind of closure they probably could have benefited from years ago.

Of course, every relationship and breakup is different and there isn't a one right way to navigate a post-breakup friendship, but in general, cutting off an ex, at least for the short-term, seems like a healthy way to process feelings and figure out who "you" are when you're no longer part of a "we."

It can be tempting to remain close to the person whose life was so intertwined with yours, but jumping into a friendship with an ex muddles those often very confusing emotions following a breakup.

About five years ago when I amicably ended a four-year live-in relationship, I continued to see my ex-boyfriend on a weekly basis. I'd often go to his apartment after one of my evening classes in graduate school since his apartment was just a short walk from campus. We'd order or cook dinner together and settle in for some TV-watching and I'd think, See, this isn't so bad? Breakups don't have to be so sad!

The truth was, things felt so similar to how they were when we were still a couple, I think I just extended my healing process months longer than it had to be. When I started dating other guys, it just seemed really odd and confusing to continue this somewhat emotionally intimate relationship with someone I knew I needed to move away from in order to truly "clean my relationship palette."

It was sad walking away from him completely, but breakups are supposed to be sad, and in the end, cutting contact from him was what finally helped me close that chapter for good and realize just how much happier I was on my own…and how much richer a relationship could be with someone who was right for me. It's really in feeling those often uncomfortable emotions that we move to a healthier emotional space.

I'm not saying one can never be friends with an ex. Depending on how serious the relationship was to begin with, or how easy the breakup was, it's possible to immediately and seamlessly move into a friendship.

Additionally, even serious relationships that end with a lot of emotional fanfare can eventually create enough distance to be close again. I've never experienced the latter myself, but then, I never really saw the point in rekindling a friendship with anyone who valued a day of golf over everything else. Perspective is usually a better friend than any ex can be…


Some interesting sexual myths…

Filed under: Sex in the News

April 25, 2009

Vaginas with teeth — and other sexual myths

A romp through history reveals a host of absurd beliefs once held as truth

By Brian Alexander
msnbc.com contributor
updated 8:59 a.m. ET, Thurs., April 23, 2009

 

Your genitals are connected to your nose. Women are infertile males. Orgasm is necessary to make a baby. Masturbation leads to insanity. Menstrual blood is actually sperm gone bad. At one time or another, medical science believed all these statements. What is it about sex that allows the imagination of doctors and the scientifically-minded to run free?

A walk down the memory lane of misbegotten sex theories reveals that such fanciful “truths” often grow from the fertile soil of bias and prejudice.

Aristotle, for example, believed that “a boy actually resembles a woman anatomically speaking and a woman is, so to speak, an infertile male. She is female because of a kind of inadequacy being unable to concoct semen from nourishment … owing to the coldness of her nature.”

The idea of a woman as an imperfect man was popular in western thought for more than a thousand years because most of the writers were men.

“That’s the most plausible theory we have: fear of female sex," said Rachel Maines, visiting scholar in Cornell University’s Department of Science and Technology Studies and author of “The Technology of Orgasm: Hysteria, Vibrators and Women’s Sexual Satisfaction.” "I mean, the vagina dentata [vagina with teeth]? If there was ever a male paranoid fantasy, that was it.”

The idea of a vagina with teeth dates as far back as Greek mythology and is rooted in the idea that the female body has hidden, dangerous secrets and that a man who has sex with a woman may risk castration. (While largely the stuff of fiction, such as the 2007 movie "Teeth," at least one real-life case has been documented. In 1989, The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology reported a benign embroid tumor containing teeth growing in the wall of a woman's vagina.)

But it's not just women who are the targets of absurd sexual myths. When the female prioress and early medieval medical thinker Hildegard of Bingen wrote “the strength of man in his genital member is turned into poisonous foam,” she wasn’t exactly giving sex with men a big thumbs up.

Myths about sex in the western world waxed and waned depending largely on the state of sexual attitudes. The more restrictive the view of sex, the more prominent medical sex myths became.

Dangerous sex

By the 1800s, fear of one gender or another had turned into fear of sex itself. Doctors promoted the idea of danger.

While advice to the newly-married up until the 1820s and 1830s often included the idea of female pleasure and the importance of clitoral stimulation, things soon began to change, said John S. Haller, professor emeritus of history and medical humanities at Southern Illinois University and author of “The Physician and Sexuality in Victorian America.”

After about 1840, Haller said, advice manuals began to focus on the vagina. “You begin to see manuals saying that women should not be experiencing that pleasure, and if they do, they are exposing themselves to harm.”

Much of this anti-sex attitude was rooted in economic class prejudice after the industrial revolution started creating the bourgeoisie. The poor, the uneducated, immigrants from southern climes, were the types to enjoy sex. Proper people didn’t.

“The ‘Irish maid’ is a good example,” Haller said. “Bourgeois people did not want them to nurse their children because of what might be carried through the breast milk; it could bring the bad traits of the Irish into the home of the Anglo-Saxon family.”

Masturbate and you'll get flat breasts

Anti-immigrant attitudes even affected the willingness of women to discuss sexual health complaints. “There was a very Protestant focus,” Haller explained, to distinguish oneself from the more swarthy, and lusty, recent arrivals. So “women were not encouraged to discuss or complain about the problems of menopause because they’d be admitting in a public way that they had abused themselves in their youth” since masturbation was thought to bring on menopause later in life.

Masturbation has a been a bugaboo for thousands of years; the Catholic Church still regards it as a disorder. In the Victorian era, after French physician Francois Lallemand published his “Practical Treatise on the Causes, Symptoms and Treatment of Spermatorrhea,” something of a medical panic ensued. Doctors at a Boston insane asylum reported that inmates there masturbated and soon a flood of anxious young men flowed into clinics fearing insanity, wasting, and even death.

Self-pleasuring, a typical advice manual stated, leaves “the nerves wasted and depleted … the entire nervous system will eventually become shattered and ruined beyond all hope of complete recovery.”

Girls could be affected, too, though to a lesser degree. “Girls who have followed masturbating habits … show usually strong indications of it in the failure of their glandular development,” an advice manual stated. “Such persons are apt to be flat-breasted, or, as we term it, flat-chested."

Joy on the job

When mechanical sewing machines arrived, a few lucky women using a model with two foot pedals found that by rubbing their thighs together, they could reach orgasm, which could certainly make working in a garment factory a little more fun, but it also posed a danger. “Doctors thought all sewing machines were bad for women,” Maines explained. “They thought the women would turn into lesbians.”

Some of the advice was an attempt to apply science to what had been largely superstition or religious stricture. But science often fell flat.

In 1897, for example, German physician Wilhelm Fliess published a treatise called “The Relations Between the Nose and the Female Sexual Organs from the Aspect of Biology.” In it, Fliess expanded on an idea he’d been developing for some time, the “nasogenital reflex.”

Perhaps with the bias of his field — he was what we would now call an ear, nose and throat specialist — Fliess argued that the nose was intimately connected to our genitals and that problems with one could manifest as problems in the other. He identified a region inside the nasal cavity, a bony projection called the nasal inferior turbinate, as being especially influential.

He described a set of symptoms like headaches, aches and pains, breathing difficulties, disordered mood and difficult menstruation in women matching the 28-day female cycle (men had a 23-day cycle, he said), and argued that these symptoms often began in the nose. The result could be a full-on neurosis.

Fliess and his friend Sigmund Freud decided that one could treat the neurosis by huffing cocaine. Freud did so and it seemed to work. Voila! You could treat a genital problem — and the mental illness those problems create — by treating the nose. So Freud had Fliess operate on a woman named Emma Eckstein. Fliess removed Emma’s turbinate bone, but left a wad of gauze behind which created an infection. When the gauze was finally removed, she nearly bled to death. The episode left her disfigured for life.

Haller cautions against what he calls “presentism” when we look at such wrongheaded episodes. For example, while much of the Victorian era advice was laughably wrong, it was also progressive. An admonition that women should deny their husbands sex for up to eighteen months after the birth of a child was really a way for women to gain control of their own bodies.

We shouldn’t be too smug about our modern sexual sophistication, he said. Medical science may be getting better at figuring out what makes us tick, but it’s safe to say that some of the dogma we think is true now will later turn out to be false.

Brian Alexander is the author of the book “America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction," now in paperback.


Mind Blowing Sex….is possible….

Filed under: Great Sex Tips

April 22, 2009

Supposedly it is what we are all looking for… so check out this great article from Sexpertzone and let me know what you think!

How to Give Her Mind-Blowing Sex

If there is one thing that most sex experts will never get tired of teaching, it is the power of “variety”. Without variety, a lovemaking session can become stale and uninteresting, thus turning it into a boring, obligatory routine. This is the last thing that sex should be.

So, on that note, we will go into detail on how to effectively add variety into every lovemaking session so that you and your partner can experience erotic, kinky, and raw passionate sex whenever the mood arises for either of you;

The problem with most couples is that they approach the idea of variety incorrectly. First of all, in order for it to be effective, both parties must be totally open minded to the concept, and should be willing and able to totally “let go”, both mentally and emotionally.  Secondly, neither party should feel forced into anything that makes them uncomfortable. Thirdly, there must be an unending amount of mutual respect and trust between both parties.

Variety is important because it not only brings unending fresh air into the bedroom, but also insures that both parties never stop learning each other’s sexual wants and needs. It also prevents you from getting into that dangerous comfort zone that is so difficult to get out of.

When couples think about variety, the first thing that comes into their minds is the following:

Adding different Sex positions
Introducing Sex Games
Introducing role playing

Though they are correct in going along this path, there is a certain factor that is often overlooked. Because of this, many couples will find themselves trying out different sex positions, sex games, as well as dwell into role playing, but with often disastrous results.

Let us take sex positions as an example;

Usually one would add a few kinky sex positions into a lovemaking session only to find that it does nothing more than cause unease and frustration. Both parties become disappointed to find that the sex was still the same with nothing new or exciting added.

The reason why this occurs is because people generally depend on the physical stimulation that they feel "variety" is supposed to add. Because of this, the idea of adding a different sex position is there solely for the hopes of intensifying the physical stimulation in order to help each party achieve an orgasm. This does not usually work out well because both parties don’t really feel anything different. In addition, anything that does feel slightly different gets consciously or subconsciously overlooked because of the way society has been conditioned and programmed since birth.

Most of what gets overlooked is usually psychological or emotional, and generally, many of these feelings and thoughts would be considered “improper” or “wrong and sinful”, thus making it all taboo.

In other words, it is not so much the sex position that should be the important factor when adding variety, but rather, it should be the “secondary” feelings and thoughts that go on in our minds. Therefore, if you were to use doggy-style as a new sex position to add variety, it might be the deep inner feelings of having total control over your partner while looking down at her vulnerable yet sexy ass as you firmly pound away. For a woman, it might be the vulnerable feeling of having to go down on all fours before her man so that he can totally dominate her by thrusting away firmly and passionately, feeling as though she is under his mercy.

Effective Variety = Hungrily Dwelling into the Psychological and Emotional Secondary Feelings = Letting Yourself Go

It is not so much the sex position, sex game, or role playing concept that adds effective variety into your lovemaking sessions, but rather the manner and approach in how you introduce these concepts, or during the time you perform these concepts. This alone can turn a typical sex position into an erotic, sinful night of pleasure.

However, in order to get this to work, both you and your partner need to let yourselves go. You have to be able to let your desires be allowed to come true. This can only happen if you both ensure each other that neither will judge the other for the erotic, kinky thoughts you wish to become a reality. Only once you are able to do this, will you be able to truly feel the power of variety in the bedroom.

Let us take dominance as an example;

For many men, the idea of taking full control of their partner during a lovemaking session is highly erotic. The thought of being able to make their partner do whatever they want is extremely kinky and “erotically sinful”. However, most men would be too afraid of making this fantasy a reality in the fear that they might insult their partner, or that their partner will judge them incorrectly. Therefore, they will take the “safe” route of simply trying out a sex position that might resemble the idea, but never go further than that.

Now, if both parties learn to trust each other, have respect for each other, and learn to have an open mind, neither would feel embarrassed of letting go, because it is just a fantasy and nothing more.

Adding Effective variety into any lovemaking session is about stimulating the mind. By doing so, you are able to experience all the delights of some of the deepest desires that you thought would never be attainable. Talking to your partner as if she were nothing more than your personal sex slave, or having her give you a blowjob while you are fast asleep, and then waking up just before you are about to ejaculate are just some of the things you could try. Notice how it is the mind that gets turned on by just thinking of it. Imagine some of the thoughts and disires she might be keeping at bay. If only she could tell you so that you could make her come over and over again.

Only once you and your partner can reach this stage in your relationship, will the two of you be able to enjoy good quality sex that never gets stale. 


Stress putting a damper on your sex life?

April 19, 2009

 
 

How to de-stress your sex-life

17 Apr 2009, 0000 hrs IST, ANI

Do you feel that stress is squeezing the fun out of your bedroom life?

Couple

How to make your life stress-free (Getty Images)

If yes, then you can bring back the action, courtesy tips provided by sex educator and relationship expert Dr. Yvonne Kristin Fulbright. According to the expert, many couples become frustrated, even panicky, when their sex lives go to the wayside during stressful times. When it comes to the factor that governs a person's sex life, it's personality, reports Fox News.

Fulbright says that how an individual's sex life fares depends on whether he tries to get closer to his partner in tragic times or wants to be totally alone and if he's the withdrawing sorts, then it can create misunderstandings in the relationship.

In order to avoid any such misunderstandings and still keep sex life full of fun and passion, Fulbright has suggested that couples need to establish a common ground and mutual understanding during stressful times.

Also, they should make an effort to stay connected during life's highs and lows, because if they don't, it could lead to dire consequences. And in case, sex is not on mind and also the time to be spent in the sack is less, then a person can try the following:

1. Showing appreciation for one another. Giving compliments, for example, is a simple way of expressing affection and letting your partner know that he or she is still being noticed and loved.

2. Talking daily. Chat during dinner or at bedtime. Conversations foster bonding by providing support. It's also important for couples to check in with each other, showing concern and care for one another's well-being with simple statements like, "Tell me about your day."

3. Staying positive . Bite your tongue if you're about to complain. Stressful situations are hard enough to deal with. Don't add to it if you can avoid doing so.

4. Believing in your future together. Stressful times can make lovers doubt their ability to stay together for the long haul. Insecurity issues that arise can only make matters more difficult. Making plans is one way to indicate that you're feeling secure about your future.

5. Helping each other with responsibilities . Approaching tasks with a team effort provides a greater sense of being in ‘this’ together.

6. Balancing ‘alone time’ and ‘together time.’ Create a sensual atmosphere, for example, soothing scents, dim lights, delicious food, and relaxing music to help you unwind.

7. Getting creative in how you'll be intimate . Redefine your definition of sexual intimacy when needed; try a simple body massage.

Not to forget, lovers should make it a point to give in to one another's requests for intimacy whenever possible, as it might just prove to be a big stress-buster. In fact, sex has many physical and emotional benefits, which may help in boosting your desire for more sex and emotional intimacy. Sex can easily take your mind off of your worries.

Also, patience is the key to get your sex life back on track. One should make sure that your relationship, in general, doesn't get neglected.


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