Simplify your sex life

One of the best things about sex is the anticipation. The sense of wondering what will happen next, if she’ll want it as much as you do. The first date, the first kiss. The second date, an intoxicating night riddled with meaningful glances and “accidental” brushes up against each other until she’s driving home, leaving you feeling a little empty but also relieved that the inevitable has been postponed. And now tonight, dinner at the Italian restaurant, her impatience visible as you settle the bill, the five steps up to her fl at. Both of you on the couch, wine glasses half empty. The anticipation finally explodes in fireworks of laughter. Then you get busy – and the problems begin. There’s a tortured turning of heads, an awkward positioning of faces and mouths.

Jaws circle. This isn’t working out, sitting next to each other kissing. Everything keeps getting in the way: shoulders, arms, collarbones. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier if you had a tongue like a chameleon. It doesn’t have to be so difficult. Next time, go down on one knee, and you’ll be able to turn and face her better, without breaking the kiss. Read on to find out how to simplify your sex life in a few more easy moves.

Where should I put my hands when we kiss?

There is a natural magnetism that pulls your hands towards her breasts. This is perfectly understandable, but a schoolboy error. Rein yourself in. It’s too soon. So where should your hands go? Not on her shoulders – unless you want her to feel as though she’s kissing her gran. And not her butt, either. That’s just too lecherous. Rather slow down. Scout out the territory. While your mouths play, gently put one hand on her cheek, as if you want to check that she’s for real. Rest the other lightly on her knee.

How do I undress while sitting or lying?

It’s a dilemma: how do you get from clothed to naked when you’re sitting or lying down without giving an impromptu contortionist’s performance? No matter what anyone says, having sex with your jeans stuck around your ankles is less than dignified.

The solution: both of you get up and undress each other. Aim for a blend of speed and elegance in your movements. You don’t want to grind the proceedings to a halt by taking five minutes to neatly fold all your clothes before hopping into bed, but neither do you want to anger her by ripping her R900 Diesel T-shirt in your haste to get to those glorious breasts (even if it looks torn already). If you really don’t want to stand up to disrobe, rather lie down fl at and wriggle out of your clothes. You can’t take off a pair of jeans while sitting.

The most important thing to remember is: don’t pretend you don’t want to undress her. You’re not 16 any more, and neither is she (we hope). Pretending to undress her by accident is just plain embarrassing. Rather celebrate the act of getting naked.

Where can I put my arm when I’m lying on my side?

The advantage of lying on your side is that her entire body is in easy reach. The problem is, you have two arms. Where should you put the other one? If you lie on it, it will fall asleep. You could tuck your forearm under your head, but you may elbow her in the face if you aren’t careful. If you fold it in front of you, you look like a chop with your arm in a sling.

And stretching it upwards just looks stupid. A better idea: put it around her waist. That’s what that little curve between her ribs and hips is for. Not only will there be less pressure on your arm, your hand will also be well positioned to grab or knead her butt.

Penetrating question: how do I shoot for the goal in the dark?

No mammal has eyes right next to its genitals, so she won’t be expecting you to aim for the goal from five paces – in the dark – and score on the first try. She’s expecting you to use your hands and fingers to feel your way around a little first. For her, it’s all part of the fun. For you, it’s mapping the territory.

When the time comes to move beyond fingers and on to other appendages, get yourself in position and, using one hand, rub the head of your penis through her moist bareness. Your path lies where the heat is highest, the way wettest and the resistance lowest.

Should I balance on my hands or elbows?

Women hate it when men lie on them with their full weight – and who wouldn’t? It’s difficult to surrender to pleasure when you’re fighting to breathe. But she doesn’t want you balancing on your hands and hovering a metre above her, either. Proximity is good. A good middle ground is to prop yourself up on your elbows. This takes most of your weight off her while maintaining skin-to-skin contact.

That said, don’t be scared to rest your weight on her for short periods of time in order to free up your hands for some play. Touch her head, her butt, her breasts. Put your fingers in her mouth so she can lick them. She won’t realise that you are not supporting your weight any more. She’ll marvel at how you seem to manage to have your hands everywhere.

How do we change positions mid-coitus?

You’re on top, she’s on the bottom, and it’s time to switch places. Rearranging yourself without separating during sex is an art form. It may be tempting to throw yourself on your back and simply hoist her over you, but this is not a wrestling match – and chances are you’ll pop out or, worse, cause yourself serious damage. It may also work for her to straighten her legs next to yours, but here again you run the risk of coming out.

The solution: lift your torso a little (as though doing a push-up), keeping yourself propped up on one hand while remaining joined at the hip (er… you know what we mean). Use the other hand to support her while she “sits” up by holding on to your shoulders. Slide your knees around under her butt. She should now be sitting on your lap. From here, you can switch places with her or, if you’re a home-baked kind of guy, pick her up and relocate to the kitchen table.

How can we climax at the same time?

You probably won’t, so don’t even try. In fact, since it’s your first time together, it’s unlikely she will get there at all – she’ll be way too nervous. And the last thing you want is for her to get bored and fake it, just to get you to stop. If both of you realise that simultaneous climax (or any climax at all) is unlikely the first time around, you will be able to stop chasing your mythical mutual orgasm and just enjoy the time you have together. You will have more opportunities to try again later – like in half an hour.

If you’ve come and she still wants more, just stay inside and let her do her thing. She knows best how to get there. And if she comes before you, give yourself a pat on the back.

First published in Men's Health, April 2007